1. in case you did not know: she drinks ICED TRIPLE GRANDE 4-PUMP TOFFEE NUT, 3-PUMP SUGAR-FREE VANILLA 1% MILK LATTE. I have had to memorize and order this on…well a few occasions.

2. I used to drink (iced) triple grande skim (or nonfat outside of the general NYC area) lattes.

3. thanks to a newfound lactose allergy and shock of all shocks, a system that no longer needs coffee, goes haywire if i do have it, yet still longs for the taste…I have had to order. wait for it. iced decaf soy lattes. but not from starbucks as their soy milk tastes like death with fake sugar on top. Peets on the other hand…oh i miss you so.

useyrwords:

by a semi-gruntled former Starbucks barista

STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM FRAPPUCINO: “I’m an over-hyper preteen with Mom’s manicure $$$ to burn so I’m spending it where she would even though I don’t like coffee, gross. Oh, and you’re going to have to spend at least 20 minutes cleaning up the table after my friends and I are done scaring customers away in the café area, I don’t even know what happened, one second the cup was in my hand and the next it was like, SPLAT.”

VENTI “RED EYE” (i.e. coffee with an espresso shot): “I’ll never reach this deadline, but I will keep these eyes open, so HELP ME, GOD. Hey, have you guys figured out how to sell coffee intravenously yet? No? Okay, just the red eye, then.”

ICED TRIPLE GRANDE 4-PUMP TOFFEE NUT, 3-PUMP SUGAR-FREE VANILLA 1% MILK LATTE: “I work at Starbucks, too, and if I can’t be behind the bar making my own incredibly complicated, free drink I will watch you make it with eyes of Smug Judgment.”

TALL DECAF SKIM LATTE (i.e. “tall cup of useless”): “I don’t like coffee, I don’t like things that taste good, but most of all, I really don’t like myself.”

SOY CHAI: “I either am averse to both coffee and lactose-products or I’m a pretentious fuck who likes my coffee like I like my Urban Outfitters flannel—exorbitantly priced due to the big business label, but with sub-par results.”

CARAMEL MACCHIATO, EXTRA CARAMEL: “I don’t drink coffee all that much, but this is just like dessert, isn’t it? No harm, no fou—oh, I’m done. Jeez, that was fast. One for the road, then?”

GRANDE COFFEE AND A CINNAMON ROLL: “Yeah, I really just wanted the cinnamon roll.”

(true to form, i’ve got all day and snark to spare— have a drink order that needs mocking?)